Do I have some kind of magnetic device on me that draws in creepiness?
Furthermore, is Borders some kind of pit of despair for all who are alone and smell of cat food? (Aside from me, damn it. I’ve got a husband and kids. I was in the childrens’ section!) I mean, first we had the Feminazi experience a few short weeks ago and now I’ve had an encounter with, perhaps, the craziest type of fan of all time. OF ALL TIME!
What kind of fan? As if you need to ask. She was a Twitard. I say that lovingly, but it’s really the only name I can think of for her. “Desperate old woman” comes to mind, but that’s kind of a mouthful. This woman was between 40 and 50 yrs. old and was spotted at the computer kiosk that Borders has available for those who want to download music to their respective devices. “Janet,” we’ll call her, was huddled around a computer with a Borders employee, “Winston,” who looked all too psyched to be there. (Sensing the sarcasm?)
While I was heading towards the cafe to pick up a little caffeine action, I over hear Janet explaining to Winston how important it is that she download the perfect playlist to her iPod because she’d be burning someone a CD for Christmas. And this wasn’t just any someone. Oh, no. This someone was getting a CD in the hopes that he would listen to it and suddenly come to his senses that Janet was the only woman for him. This someone is Robert Pattinson.
I know….I know….
(Waiting patiently for you to wipe the tears and clean yourself up. If you did not pee yourself, I’m not sure what to do with you.)
I stopped dead in my tracks, causing my son to run into the back of my knee and dead leg me right in front of Janet. I fell. Like an asshole. I climbed up into one of the arm chairs close by and pulled the kids over with me.
We weren’t going anywhere. I had to hear this.
Winston: “What exactly is it that you’re looking for, ma’am?”
Janet: “I want it to speak to him. I’ve got a prepared list that I’ll be downloading but I’ve never really used iTunes before so I need to know how to work it.”
Winston: “Well, what’s the first song you’re looking for?”
Janet: “Umm…it’s a song by Ginuwine. It’s called Pony.”
Ohmyfuckinghellshutupshutupshutup! She is not doing this!!!
Winston: “Ok, well you put it into the search bar by either artist or title and it’ll pull up all of your matches. Then you just download.”
Janet: “Do you think that’s too forward? Have you heard that song? I want Rob to hear this CD and just…know….you know?”
She then proceeds to speak some of the lyrics to poor Winston.
Do you know how much I want to be making this up right now?
Winston is starting to look terribly uncomfortable and unamused. I see my friend that I came to Borders with and flag her down so that she can sit with the boys. This woman needs saved from herself. Or maybe she needs some songs that just scream ”I think you’re awesomesauce!” or, perhaps, “I’m fucking crazy and know where you sleep!” One of the two.
I introduce myself to her. I tell her I couldn’t help but over hear she’s got some mix tape fever. I just happen to be queen of the mix tape. My husband was in Iraq for awhile, I tell her. I made him mixes all the time. What do you have so far?
She shows me what she calls her “shortlist” of must haves on there. Lady, “Pony” isn’t even half the problem if you’re worried about inappropriateness. With the message you’re sending, the postal carrier delivering this could sue you for sexual harrassment. Well, at least if Rob ever gets this he’ll know there’s a middle aged woman in Ohio that’s totally ok with being used as a sperm recepticle. Good to know.
I make small talk with her as I pretend to play Wurdle on my iTouch when in reality I’m Tweeting with a few chicks on Twitter. I inform them of the travesty that is taking place in front of my very eyes. They begin to coach me on songs to suggest that she add to her mix.
“Uh, hey. Have you thought of including a little Sting? Maybe some NIN? It doesn’t get any more romantic than “Fields of Gold” or “Closer.”
Janet: “You know, I thought “Fields of Gold” would have been a perfect song for when they had Bella and Edward running through that field towards the end of New Moon.”
“Oh, yeah? Well then you should totally add that on there.”
Janet: “I think I might. And what’s “Closer?” Nevermind. I just like the title. It expresses my feelings.”
I’m going to hell. I’m going to hell for encouraging this woman to send creepy songs to this dude but I’m going to hell laughing.
“Oh! What about a little, “Get out of my dreams?”
Janet: “Oh, you’re good!”
“Totes. ”More Than Words,” by Extreme works, too.”
Janet: “I don’t know. That’s about being in love and I don’t know that we’re ready for that.”
Oh, of course. You don’t know that you and Rob are ready to admit you love each other. That’s totally sane sounding. Sure. And just so we’re clear, sending him a song about being in love is coming on too strong but a song about wanting shmexy naked time is cool, right? Ok. Good.
I notice a few minutes later that she’s downloading some material that’s probably familiar to him. Very familiar.
“Oh, wow. That’s different. You’re sending him his own music?”
Janet: “Well, why wouldn’t I? I want him to know that I know who he is. I know him. I’m including a song by him, his sister, and songs by his friends. I don’t like that you’re giving me the looks that you have been. I think I know a little bit more about hooking a guy than you.”
Hmph. That explains why I’m married and you’re not. But nevermind those details. There’s a lot to be said about stalking a man into submission. Dream those dreams, lady! Once he finds out that you two are virtually acting out your own version of Fatal Attraction, he’ll come a-runnin’!
“I didn’t mean to offend you. I’ve just never met such a die hard fan of, well, anyone. I mean, he’s a cracker jack vampire, really, but -”
“Nothing. I was going to say he looks a little “special” in the face sometimes, but I think that can happen to anyone.”
I refrain from telling her that his smile makes him a serious contender for the role of Corky in a future “Life Goes On” movie; sans make-up.
Janet: “He is special (well, that jab went over her head) and I’m not a fan. I think we’re meant to be. There’s a difference. Once he hears these songs and sees how much work I put into the cover artwork, he’ll know.”
“Oh, yeah? Are you an artist or something?”
Janet: “Well, a photoshop artist. I cut out that Kristen gal’s head and put mine in it’s place. It looks like it really happened. I’m keeping a copy for myself. Did you know you can order poster sized prints on Photobucket?”
Fuck….she’s nuts. Get the kids. Get the kids and go.
No. No. Wait. I need to download her playlist. This needs to be shared.
“Umm, hey, you don’t care if I download this after you’re through, do you? You picked such a great mix. I’d love to have it on my iTouch.”
Janet: “Of course. You have to buy it though, ok?”
So, without further ado, may I present the playlist that is going to get Rob out of Janet’s dreams and into her car…hopefully into a seat and not the trunk.
- Pony – Ginuwine
- Why Don’t You Love Me – Beyonce
- Voyeur (I’m Watching You) – Lizzy Borden
- London Calling – The Clash
- Put it (I can’t even type the rest out. I wish I was joking.)- Akinyele
- Closer – NIN
- Every Breath You Take – The Police (really, Janet. Stalker’s cliche.)
- I Wanna Know – Joe
- As Long As You Love Me – Backstreet Boys
- You Sexy Thing – Hot Chocolate
- Fields of Gold – Sting
- Doin’ Fine – Robert Pattinson
- Get Out of My Dreams- Charly Records Studio Group
- Kiss Is a Knife – Marcus Foster
- Love to Love You Baby – Donna Summer
- Breathe Me – Sia
- Heaven – Warrant
- Paprazzi – Lady Gaga
- Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns ‘n Roses (Dude…he could be your child.)
- Being a Mockingbird – Bobby Long
- Invisible – Clay Aiken
- God Save the Queen – Sex Pistols
- Pretty Boy – Sam Bradley
- Just Breathe – Headspinz (ft. Lizzy Pattinson)
That has to be the best/worst thirty some odd dollars I’ve ever spent in my life.
Janet walked off into the sunset, heading home to burn her CDs and order her poster sized stalker memoribilia of her and Rob at…well….wherever he and Kristen were.
Let’s all pause and take a moment to send good thoughts to Janet. I have a feeling she’s going to be on America’s Most Wanted one day.