Sparklecakes

Archive for April, 2009|Monthly archive page

Cougars: Prevention of an Attack

In Uncategorized on April 30, 2009 at 8:28 am

Maybe some of you haven’t heard: I’ve got a cougar problem.

She’s a doozy. She slinks around our yard, eyeballs her prey, and then quietly, plottingly, slinks off into our neighbor’s yard.

Oh. Shoot. That’s right. The cougar is my neighbor. And the prey? Yeah. It’s my husband.

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She’s loopy, droopy, and gives me the creeps. For whatever reason, this chick has decided to go out full force in the hopes of really hammering it into my head that I am not well liked. On the flip side, she’s making sure my husband knows that, inspite of this, he’s very well liked. And I don’t mean, “What a great neighbor!” like. I mean, “Me love you long time!” like. “I made your wife brownies laced with arsenic and now you’re MINE! MINE!!!! MWAHAHAHA!” like.

How have I come to this conclusion? Let me break it down for you.

Item 1: Cougariffic pulls the high school aged tactic of whispering to a friend while staring down the intended gossip target. Unfortunately (and, sadly enough) her friend is her 12 year old daughter. Even more saddening, the gossip target is presumably me. Although, how silly am I going to feel if it turns out that the staring, the laughter, and the whispers were just over the color of the sky that day? Oh! Do go on!

Item 2: La Cougaracha stared me down while peeking from behind her garage until she saw me make a move for the backdoor. Upon my stepping in, she brings over a jar of some sort for my husband to open. According to hubby, this jar lid was not hard to get off. Hmmmm…..akward? Transparent? Desperate? “What is, all of the above, Alex? I’ll take other choice words to describe my neighbor for $500!”

Item 3: With me never having said anything to her except, “Hey! How are ya?” and always waving and smiling at her, why has she never graced me with a return greeting, a small salutation of sorts? Could it be because she’s too damn busy wishing me dead and waiting for hubby to say something hot-flash inducing?

I rest my case.

I’ve decided I’m going to start setting traps for Cougy Cougarson. Perhaps cardboard cutouts of Ashton Kutcher and other such cougar bait surrounded by nets? She goes in for the pounce thinking it’s a young, innocent, good looking guy who’s far more charming than her ex (of course!) and Wham-O! I caught a cougar.

The dilemma: Where does one set a cougar free?

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Flash Dance

In Uncategorized on April 29, 2009 at 7:22 pm

Bubba is a man of many talents.

The other day, he was up in our bay window dancing around on the window seat like a maniac. Sans clothing.

“What are you doing, Bubba?”

“Nussing…I just dancing.”

Hmm….well, with you being just in your underoos, Mommy would feel a helluva lot better if you continued your Chippendales tryout elsewhere.

“Why don’t you come on down from there and let’s get your clothes back on. No one wants to see your little butt dancing around in skivvies.”

After a few more moves, he finally decides to listen and whips around. That’s when I see it. That’s when I notice that my child was taking Flash Dance to the extreme meaning.

He was hanging out of his pocket. “He.”

“Whoa! Bubba! You’re hanging yourself out there. Check yourself and let’s speed it up on getting those pants on!”

He looks down and then says, without embarrassment and very matter-of-factly, “Hey! You’re not supposed to be out there!”

Oh, boys. Will the adventures ever cease in this house? I’ve come ot the conclusion that a 4th child is a must. We so obviously need another vagina in this house so bad.

Little Ears

In Uncategorized on April 16, 2009 at 7:14 am

I’ve got road rage. 

I mean, real, pure, nasty road rage.

There was a time when my hand pretty much road on the steering wheel directly over the horn for the duration of whatever trip I was on, four letter words flew out of my mouth, and random hand gestures similar to sign language (right?) were commonplace. 

Then the boys came into the world.

Suddenly, Mommy doesn’t really have that much freedom in the car for fear that Bubba would casually walk into preschool the next day (inside of a church! mind you) and inform his teachers of what a trucker his mother is.  If I’m lucky, maybe he’d throw in the fact that Brad and I take turns belching in the other’s ear and farting on each others pillows just for the sake of pushing buttons.  Anywho, I watch myself.  I really try to demonstrate the kind of person that I want him to be.  Occasionally, however, a few choice phrases, minus the swear words, escape my mouth.  It’s amazing how little ears pick up even the tiniest of mumbles.

We were walking through Trader Joe’s the other night, pushing our respective carts when Bubba decides he’s going to start tearing through the aisles with his little pint sized cart like it’s demolition derby time.  I begin to chase after him and start to yell, “SLOW DOWN!” as he headed straight towards an elderly couple in the frozen foods section.  I silently shriek inside as I watch him nearly miss the old man and yell, “Outta my way, grandpa!”  Oh. my. gosh.  NO!  My kinder, gentler, approach to road rage was shooting me in the foot!!

The couple watched as he whipped the cart back around and headed towards me laughing.  I grabbed his arm, told him through clenched teeth that he was making a RED CHOICE (oh hell, this trip was a red choice) and that he needed to tell the nice man and woman that he was sorry for being disrespectful.  He parrots my words and the woman tells him thank you and that he really needs to be more careful.  His response?  An exasperated, “Oh, come on!  Are you kidding me?”

Since when does he listen to everything I don’t necessarily want him using in everyday conversation and ignores simple directions and demands?  Sure, there are worse things he could be repeating, but I wonder if I wouldn’t rather him repeat swear words than phrases that are blatantly disrespectful when said from a child to an adult. 

Oy vey.

The Noggin Scale of Hotness

In Uncategorized on April 7, 2009 at 1:31 pm

I’ve been a stay at home mom now for 4 years and have run the gammit of children’s television programming.  Noggin, PBS Kids Sprout, and the Disney Channel have all graced our family room television and provided D (with his brothers soon to follow, I’m sure) hours of non-stop preschool entertainment and me with those cherished moments to sit on my computer and blog fold laundry, start dinner, or the holy grail of mommy-alone-time:  peeing without interruption.

Of course, there are always those down days with nothing to do so that television time is spent either staring off into space catching up on some reading or pretending to enjoy the programming with your child.  Either way, chances are you’ve scoped out the guys who are entertaining your little ones while you have a chance to do whatever you’d like to do.

What is more coveted by a mom than those amazing instances where your kids are busy and you have time to paint your nails, shower, or wax your upper lip so you’re not so “creepy Aunt Edna?”  Nothing!  And this man is smiling at you and your child through the television screen, coaxing you to take a much needed break.  After all, he’s got it all under control and you deserve it.

Let’s count ’em down:  The top 10 men that make kiddie programming bearable and your daydreams anything but TV-Y.

martin10.  Martin Kratt  (Zoboomafoo): Not as cute as his brother, Chris, but certainly not horrible on the eyes either. For more on the Kratt brothers and why they make the list of deliciousness, go to #6.dave

9.  David (The Imagination Movers):  Boyishly cute and fun to look at.  If you can get past the dizziness (and really, ladies, we don’t watch these shows because they’re fun to talk to!) you might find yourself watching this show a little more often.

Anthony8.  Anthony-The Blue Wiggle (The Wiggles):  The blue Wiggle is totally drool-worthy.  Not only does he have that cute Aussie accent, but he makes that creepy show almost worth watching.  I never thought I’d ever say this about a Wiggle, but the guy is freaking hot.   

djlance

 

7.  DJ Lance (Yo Gabba Gabba!):  Take the Digital Underground like costume off of this guy, and you’ve got a serious hottie.

 

 

6.  Chris Kratt (Zoboomafoo):  Why, hello there eye candy! What’s so great krattabout the Kratt brothers, you ask? They teach our children about animals and the world all while teaching you the finer aspects of khaki crago shorts. I laugh at their jokes, I ooh and ahh over their expertise, and then I ogle their biceps. Who knew pythons could be so sexy?

 

 

5.  David (The Upside Down Show):  Not only are they cute and hilarious, but again- the Australian accent.  Is there anything hotter?  These guys manage to look hip and doable while acting like idiots.  The clip below makes me giggle every time.

4.  Shane (The Upside Down Show): See Above

3.  Rich (The Imagination Movers): If you read my UBP post, you knoRichw I have some weird drummer fetish. This guy fits the bill. Percussiony hotness with a twist of kid friendliness makes this show worth watching and gives this mommy a few minutes of la la land while doing the mundane.

 

 

Sportacus2.  Sportacus (Lazy Town): To be blunt, the accent and the tight ass do it for me. The little girl dressed in poodle pink from head to toe and the plastic puppets can’t even bring Sportacus’s hottness score down.

 

 

 

1.  Steve Burns (Blue’s Clues): The most adorable host there ever was! No offense to Joe, but part of Steve’s charm was that he wasn’t so in to dancing around like a goof and singing about shapes and colors. Joe just seems so….naieve? The greatest thing? Steve managed to reinvent himself and become an indie music rocker, and a pretty good one if I do say so myself. Once in awhile, you can catch him on Jack’s Big Music Show and if you ever need to talk…well, Steve’s here for you.