Cougars: Prevention of an Attack

In Uncategorized on April 30, 2009 at 8:28 am

Maybe some of you haven’t heard: I’ve got a cougar problem.

She’s a doozy. She slinks around our yard, eyeballs her prey, and then quietly, plottingly, slinks off into our neighbor’s yard.

Oh. Shoot. That’s right. The cougar is my neighbor. And the prey? Yeah. It’s my husband.


She’s loopy, droopy, and gives me the creeps. For whatever reason, this chick has decided to go out full force in the hopes of really hammering it into my head that I am not well liked. On the flip side, she’s making sure my husband knows that, inspite of this, he’s very well liked. And I don’t mean, “What a great neighbor!” like. I mean, “Me love you long time!” like. “I made your wife brownies laced with arsenic and now you’re MINE! MINE!!!! MWAHAHAHA!” like.

How have I come to this conclusion? Let me break it down for you.

Item 1: Cougariffic pulls the high school aged tactic of whispering to a friend while staring down the intended gossip target. Unfortunately (and, sadly enough) her friend is her 12 year old daughter. Even more saddening, the gossip target is presumably me. Although, how silly am I going to feel if it turns out that the staring, the laughter, and the whispers were just over the color of the sky that day? Oh! Do go on!

Item 2: La Cougaracha stared me down while peeking from behind her garage until she saw me make a move for the backdoor. Upon my stepping in, she brings over a jar of some sort for my husband to open. According to hubby, this jar lid was not hard to get off. Hmmmm…..akward? Transparent? Desperate? “What is, all of the above, Alex? I’ll take other choice words to describe my neighbor for $500!”

Item 3: With me never having said anything to her except, “Hey! How are ya?” and always waving and smiling at her, why has she never graced me with a return greeting, a small salutation of sorts? Could it be because she’s too damn busy wishing me dead and waiting for hubby to say something hot-flash inducing?

I rest my case.

I’ve decided I’m going to start setting traps for Cougy Cougarson. Perhaps cardboard cutouts of Ashton Kutcher and other such cougar bait surrounded by nets? She goes in for the pounce thinking it’s a young, innocent, good looking guy who’s far more charming than her ex (of course!) and Wham-O! I caught a cougar.

The dilemma: Where does one set a cougar free?

  1. You’re too funny!!!

  2. Where to drop her off~
    A Jonis Brother’s Concert!
    Have you seen the South Park Show about them…lol!

    Maybe you & your husband could plot how to make him not an object of her affection!

    Put on a show in your backyard to make her think he’s a horrible guy!

    She will not want him if he’s an abusive, drinker & is mean to you.

    You could plan a little “playacting play”……fight.
    Make him look controling, drunk & voilent & mean.

    If she thinks he’s a bad guy.she will move on!

    She wants him because he is a Nice man.

    The only other thing you can do is tell your husband to put his foot down.
    Don’t offer her any help with anything….if worst case ~he must tell her to her face ~he’s happily married & she’s not his type…….break off any communication with her.
    Worst yet~ set her up with a controlling & stalker type younger man to keep her busy.

  3. Sarah you crack me up! Maybe we can bribe her to go away…

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