Sparklecakes

Archive for February, 2010|Monthly archive page

Douchebag.

In Uncategorized on February 1, 2010 at 7:36 pm

There I am standing in the fem hygiene aisle of Meijer when I see it.

Feminine deoderent spray.

What the hell is that?  Deoderent for the vag?  Who buys this stuff?  Who uses it?  More importantly, who has the forethought to walk into a store to purchase this stuff?  Do you just get up one morning and think, “You know, I know I’ve finally got that pesky underarm issue under control, but it would really just be great if I could eliminate the apparent abandoned fish market odor I’ve got going on in my drawers.  I wonder if they’ve got a spray for that.” 

You’re in luck!  It turns out they do!  How did I go 27 years without knowing about this?!

I begin scanning the shelves with gusto.  I know, it’s weird that I get excited about something like a Febreeze for your lady parts, if you will.  They actually have spray to make your va-jay-jay smell like Tropical rain among other ridiculous scents.  Whoa.  What is going on here?  Who invented this stuff and thought, “I’d really like to go for an exotic feel for the nether region.  I want to get a nice whiff of a tropical rain storm every time I drop trou.” 

Oh, Summer’s Eve.  You creep me out.  Truly.  And it’s not just the fact that your whole company is built around the goal of turning a vagina that smells like hot garbage into a veritable bouquet of orchids.  No.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, the scents you’ve chosen to, um, enhance your products really are weird.  The names alone make them sound very floral and old lady-esque.  It’s the fact that whoever created Summer’s Eve had a need for this stuff that really skeeves me out.  Someone had a need of vaginal odor eaters and went out and created it.  

God bless America. 

You’re totally catering to the wrong audience though.  I can almost garauntee you that most women aren’t sitting around their homes by themselves wondering how they can better their own personal scent for themselves.  Women only worry about that stuff when they’ve got a hot date with a sex beast and they know that tonight is the night.  And when that time comes, I don’t think said sex beast wants to rip off a pair of panties and suddenly get knocked in the nostrils with a scent that reminds him of his Great Aunt Hilda.  Total wa-wa-waaaa sitution. 

Have you thought about coming out with some scents for his pleasure?  Hmm?  Like, oh, I don’t know- Pepperoni pizza?  Leather?  New car smell?  Money?  Beer?!  I could see a guy really getting into that!  Maybe more women who have never bought your product would start deeming it a necessity if they knew that their man would go apeshit enough over the scent of money that he might spend some, er- extra time?- in that vacinity.

Mull over my ideas, Summer’s Eve.  When you decide to put them into play, I’ll be waiting for reap the rewards from your new found boost in sales.  Checks can be made payable to Sarah.

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